I think I’m beginning to understand what codependence is all about. I received an email today with the line “And do you sometimes feel that you are wanting a hero to come and rescue you and help you with the more practical aspects of living that might be falling apart? Maybe it’s time for a reality check?”
Hell yeah. That’s what I’m waiting for. God, a dead relative, some divine intervention…even one of the nanny’s from Nanny 911 would work. SOMEONE, anyone, who could fix me is who I want.
Perhaps that’s why I gravitated to Will in the first place. He seemed to have all the answers and all the confidence in the world to go along with them.
As I live in the feeling that I’m not good enough, I’m trying really hard to listen to what I’m thinking.
And what I’m thinking is,
- “The house is a mess, it’s got to be perfect before he gets home or another neighbor comes to visit.”
- “The boys don’t respect me.”
- “I can’t DO this anymore (as if I’ve DONE anything before).”
- “I’ll never figure out how to support myself…too much time has passed for me to be viable to anyone.”
- “I’ll be stuck living in a home that has an explosion around every corner for the rest of my life.”
- “My husband never loved me anyway. Who really could?”
- “Why can’t I pull myself up by my bootstraps and fix this?”
- “Why am I so alone when I know people love me?”
- “What is my incompetence doing to my boys?”
- “How smart is it to put all (or almost all) of my stupid thoughts online for everyone and Will to read? If he’s so damn manipulative, then why do I feel compelled to give him ammunition for an assault?”
- “All I DO is sit around and cry either internally or externally. I try to cover up the pain with stupid television shows and thinking that maybe one day I will be someone real. The only thing I’m accomplishing is wasting time, emotion, energy, thoughts, and the lives of myself and the children I claim to love.”
I’m feeling so shitty; I want to stop feeling. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop.