Kim speaks about her husband:
“I really think that was where my thinking had to turn around completely is when I realized I was going to have to save you—that you weren’t going to be able to save me.
“I was going to have to really grow up myself, really strengthen myself, really get as much support from the people around me as I could, and really start drawing some very strong boundaries that I wasn’t going to let you cross, but also in a way that was very accepting.” ~ from Love Safety Net, “Take The Pressure Off“
I’m trying to plan for my husband’s homecoming.
When he comes home, I think he’ll be in denial and not really willing to examine our mess. I think we’ll have some really tough days, and I think I’m going to have to do exactly as Kim says in her second paragraph in order for Will to actually get to a place where he feels comfortable enough to let go of his “show”.
It’s taken me a long time to understand that the “nice guy” facade is a show. My husband isn’t really a nice guy. He pretends to be a nice guy everywhere in the world, and when he comes home, he wants to let down his guard. He wants to “be himself”.
Unfortunately, when faced with me and the kids and my expectation that he treat us with respect and kindness…well, he just can’t take the pressure. He “needs” to be a whiny, irrational brat SOMEWHERE, and if he can’t “be himself” at home without repercussion, then where does that leave him? It leaves him in a highly exaggerated state of anger, that’s where.
I agree with Kim in that my husband isn’t really an adult in many ways. Somewhere before me, his emotional growth was stunted and he still, in some ways, acts like a 6 year old. And hey, I know I’m codependent, so maybe I’m a 6 year old, too. But that can’t last too much longer – my inner mama is teaching me better.
One part of my plan to end the abuse is in dismanteling his public persona. No, I’m not going to go around town diminishing him as a man or husband. I’m not going to bad-mouth him to friends. I’m not going to be mean and nasty to combat his anger.
I’m simply going to be me, but me with support and without shame. I’m not going to let any of his bad behavior slide, and I will contact my network for support even if that means he gets attention he doesn’t want from the Army or law enforcement.