This is an email I sent to him today. I wasn’t going to send it, but after rereading it, I thought it would be good to post…so, if I’m going to post it publicly, then it was only fair to send it to him first. I’m responding to an email and phone conversation we’ve recently had. It’s not pretty. The military JUST NOW sent word down the pipe that we were having “problems” in the form of physical abuse. It’s amazing. One instance of physical abuse and we’re celebrities. 17 years of verbal abuse and there’s nothing done to help. That’s the military for you.
Here’s the email:
As far as my loyalty to you and your career, the way I see it, your career is MY career. I tied my hopes, dreams, and all my love to YOU a long time ago when I agreed to stay home for our boys. If you don’t believe that, then nothing I do or say today will make you believe it. If I didn’t wish the best for you, if I wasn’t loyal to you, then why would I still be fighting for you? Why would I still be here? Why would I still love you?
I cannot change your heart. I obviously cannot make you or force you to understand that the only change I wish in you is that you see and care about how your words and actions hurt the people you love the most. I wish you could take responsibility for the things you do and say all of the time – not only when the chips are down and your career or your marriage is at stake. You only seem to care about your words or behavior when there is a possibility that someone besides me will see or hear, or that I might actually have a “documented” reason to leave you because of some “case” I am trying to build against you (your words, not mine).
You do not care what you say to me or do to me, because when you’re wrong, you go out of your way to make me the bad person. I am the most loyal person you will ever know. I always protect you and your reputation, even if I must hide my feelings. The only people I’ve ever been honest with about the trouble you and I have are my family and a few of my friends – the people who can do nothing to you. They are incapable of doing anything to harm you, but you act like they’re your worst enemy. Then, when it suits you, you elevate those very women above me insinuating that if they can love a piece of shit like their husband, then why can’t I love you?
You treat me as if I am your worst enemy. You put me down; you do not raise me up. You use my weaknesses to your advantage, you use me to excuse your wrongful actions and you use me to keep up with the appearance that you have it all together. All the while, you tell me that I know nothing, can do nothing – that I am powerless against you. You tell me that because I say or do things that are right and good for me, that I need to rethink them because it is not what is best for you.
It sounds like you love yourself more than you love me, because if you loved me, you would not consistently berate my decisions, my thoughts, emotions and beliefs. You question my decisions, you question my child-raising ability and you question my ability to be the person I want to be. This whole “thing” is not about me trying to change you. It is about a change that is going on inside of me. For better or worse, I am sick to death of hearing you say that I am naïve, disloyal, incapable, irrational and wrong about simple facts.
Your words, your nature and your attitude about what you and I are going through give further evidence that you will not ever admit to or even try to see that how you talk to and treat me, is wrong and definitely fits the label of “abusive”. You do these things without seeming to know or understand, but I know better. You think it is funny when you do it to other people, and I have a feeling that when you do it to me, you think it is funny, too.
If you love me, if you really truly love me, then stop acting like you don’t. My love for you is unconditional. I never ask you to be someone you are not, only that you be good to me, someone you profess to love. That is all.
Read this entire post and more. Buy My Abusive Marriage . . . and what happened when i left it by Kellie Jo Holly